a breakdown and a love song: a true story

Last night,  a breakdown over the feelings so familiar refused to be calmed.  My pillow collected tears stained with mascara, heavy with words I just couldn’t find and when the reservoirs dripped no longer, I fell into an exhausted, deep sleep.

But, in the light of day under a radiant blue sky, I see it was a breakthrough in disguise.

And in the spaces made vacant from the emotions that spilled out of my eyes, bubbling waters of beautiful things are no longer dammed. And what I thought was this great internal struggle, turned out to be a love song.

A love song of crashing waves and roaring wind, from God who knows the language of my soul.

Even when I can’t see it, for all my silly humanity.

In 2004, the hurricane season brought us many canceled classes and one of those weekends, I went home with my roommate to Boca Raton, Florida.  Like any sensible Floridian, the day before the storm made landfall, we went to the beach.  The tourists evacuate and the locals, they go to the water, because they know.  As the storm approached, magnificent waves beat the shore and in the wind, all were captive.  This is magic.  Facing east in the darkness of night, with only the occasional, scattered light on the beach, the stars tucked behind the heavy storm clouds, I stood before the wild waters crashing with His love and power, with his greatness and glory.  I never in all my life feel closer to God than when I am standing on the edge of the ocean, with my hair swept up in the wind and the salty waters misting over me.  

For a while now, in my own restless, adventurous heart, behind the calm and collected face, those waves have been crashing around inside of me, rattling my bones.  And I’ve been fighting it, feeling as though it was another trial, another lesson.  Sometimes, I take extra long to do things for my kids to teach them a little bit of patience and I’ve been certain that God was doing the same thing for me.

Last night, I felt like I was drowning under the struggle, the waves swallowing me whole.  But, until that struggle was emptied onto my pillow, I couldn’t see that the waves, they were never intended for such purposes.

Instead,

For all the days of feeling stuck in a place that doesn’t feel like home,

the days of working toward dreams,

the constant energy it takes to create and see possibilities and hope,

and all the days of feeling so lonely in this season of life…

He brought the crashing waves and the roaring winds and he tucked them safely inside of me, so  I would never have to be too far away from that place.

For all the days of this journey.

A love song, that will indeed swallow me whole, if I let it.