Sunday, November 8, 2009

morsels of thought, lost in

something stirring, a good feeling
There is something stirring within me.  Something new and inspiring.  A sense of expectancy, anticipation.  It feels like something is coming, something refreshing and good, but also very necessary.
anticipation, the monster of
I stopped anticipating a few months ago, because it was exhausting me, frustrating me, and irritating me.  I didn’t know what I was anticipating, but I couldn’t handle it, so I stopped.  But, I couldn’t do that forever, that’s boring and not me.  Maybe, I’m just feeling a renewed sense of anticipation or perhaps, it could be that we are actually getting closer to “what is next.”
what is next, stupid phrase
Ugh, what a phrase, “what is next.”  It’s gross, exciting, new, frustrating, and good all at the same time.  Mostly, it’s gross and frustrating because I’d like to know what it is and I don’t quite yet know.  It’s exciting, new, and good because I know it’s going to be good for us.  Again, it’s gross and frustrating because I don’t know when it’s going to happen.  So I remain in this state of attached detachment.  Because if I anticipate too much, it will drive me crazy and if I don’t anticipate enough, I will go crazy.
getting away, is nice, but home is better
Perhaps, it took two weeks of crazy traveling, two weeks spent in worlds that are not my own, to feel it again.  I’m happy to be home in my creative world, my simple life that is peaceful, functional, and requires both faith and dreams, which sometimes feels like the right balance of contentment and discontentment.
my point is, I only sort of know
While all these ideas are not completely unraveled and seem to be in a tangled mess, I’m ok with that.  I’m sharing these random thoughts as a declaration that good things are coming, that we are stronger for going through this year of complete dependence on God, and that I refuse to be discouraged by the present state of circumstances-- as they would appear to be.  Greater things are coming, they really are.
… welcome back anticipation, I missed you.
p.s. what is next?


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