This post could also be titled:
1. My rebel subconscious.
2. I never know the date.
This morning when I woke up 15 minutes than I prefer, I checked my phone and noticed a calendar notification. I glanced at it briefly and dismissed it, since it was for my doctor’s appointment tomorrow, October 13th, no need to worry about that today. I continued to go along with the important matters of the morning, 42 kisses for the little boy, a cute text to the husband, grind the coffee, a little orange juice, etc.
As I listened to the theme song from Super Why for the 1,200,300th time, I asked my pre-caffeinated self, why would my notification for TOMORROW’S appointment come up today. I have all my appointments for the rest of the year scheduled on Thursday mornings. (Because, I’m awake anyways and I find that if you schedule them for early morning you have been a better chance of actually seeing your doctor around that time. The second time around, I’m a smarter mama and OB patient.)
I kept thinking, “Tomorrow the 13th, tomorrow the 13th… tomorrow is the thirteenth right?” I then realized, I had absolutely no idea what today’s date was (and truthfully, I rarely ever do.) So, I referred to the only calendar in the entire place, on my little smartie alien phone… and I learned something, today is the 13th. In case you were wondering, today is October 13th. You probably knew that because you have jobs or schedules or you’re obsessive like some people I know and have calendars everywhere. I don’t have those things.
Moral of this story: I missed my appointment. But here’s what you don’t know. I’m not sad, not even the tiniest bit, because I didn’t want to go. My subconscious knew this and saved me from today, because this morning was the dreaded, the detestable, the torture of tortures regarding OB visits… the glucose tolerance test.
(And all the mama’s said ugh.)
For those of you innocent of its terrors, they make you drink an entire bottle of this horrid, nasty, sweetest sugar drink known to mankind, in a color that is surely not found anywhere in nature. For an hour you can’t have anything else to wash that putrid taste from you lips (and you feel high on sugar, because it’s more than you consume in a lifetime) and then they take your blood. Supposedly this is a test for gestational diabetes, but I think it’s just to torture us… not like we’re not dealing with enough here… I personally vote that this whole practice be banned and replaced with a 1 hour prenatal massage test. You are given a massage and then if you feel better, you pass… if you don’t feel better, you get another massage. Who’s with me on this? Pass or fail… not a bad deal.
Anyways, that is what I missed this morning and now I have more time to come up with a legit excuse to not take it. Here’s what I have so far:
- I’m allergic to glucose.
- I’m scared of glucose.
- I think glucose is an ugly sounding word.
- I’m allergic to tests.
- I’m don’t drink soda.
- It’s against my religion.
- It’s against my political views.
- It’s against my ethics.
- It’s against my marriage vows.
- It’s against my wishes.
- My dog ate my homework.
- It’s not me, it’s you.
- Let’s just be friends.
- I took that test last time and I passed. I can get proof.
- I don’t want my baby to have that much sugar.
- Thousands of women have had babies without taking this test.
- The Virgin Mary surely didn’t have to drink that.
- I want a lawyer.
- I have to wash my hair.
- You’re not the boss of me.
and if all of those fail… I’m going to ask if there is a sugary Starbucks drink that I could have instead.
For today, I’m safe from the evils of that terrifying liquid and all is well, but if you have any excuses that will actually get me out of taking the test, please share… because unfortunately, next week I have a rescheduled date with the glucose.
25 weeks, 5 days.
Note: Please realize that I’m being mostly silly and ridiculous, as I’m sure there is a real medical reason they force this test upon us…. and things like gestational diabetes are not a joke. It’s just that, the glucose tolerance test is so awful and I hate it. Thanks.
{Liv
I especially loved how the nurses declared to me that "it just tastes like really strong soda!", as if to comfort me about drinking the evil stuff. A)I hate soda. B)If I were to drink soda, it needs to be root beer, not wierd, thick, sugary orange like flavor that ruins how everything tastes for the rest of the day.
ReplyDeleteI think that maybe if you tell the good nurses that your body handles mass quantities of caffeine just fine, so it should have absolutely no problem processing sugar, they will relent and excuse you from the dreaded test. : )
Dear Olivia,
ReplyDeleteYour amazing :)
Love, Ginamarie
I love it! Just so you know, you're not the only one to think it's not the day that it is! =) However, I've never wanted to miss an appointment, I just have an issue with remembering to look at the calendar in front of me covered in appointments! =)
ReplyDeleteAs to excuses for skipping the test...do you really think it's that bad? =) I know it's nasty and all...but I don't really remember it being cruel and unusual punishment. =) Anyway...I hope you get the Starbuck's alternative...without having to pay their high prices! =)
I like your massage idea...except I'm done having babies, so I might be jealous to miss out on it...and I also know the Super Why Song! =) Cute show. =)
ugh. That first little test is bad, but nothing compared to what you have to do if you don't pass. Last time, I was right on the pass line, so I had to do the extended version. 4 blood draws, 3 of the drinks, 4 hours in a small clinic waiting room, and no food at all that day until about 2 pm. TORTURE. Turns out I didn't have the diabeetus (wilford brimley voice) either. If that happens to me this time, I might just have to find a way to sneak into the records and switch the test results or something.
ReplyDeleteblech. you're hilarious. just hope that you pass it! if you don't, you have to take another LONGER, BIGGER glucose test. so knock that baby out!
ReplyDeletei just realize that expression is so totally not appropriate. for anything or anyone. but most especially for someone pregnant.
my apologies.